JUPITER — It's difficult to describe what it feels like to lose a child.

John Gill tries, but often he can't. All he says is that he had to escape New York because the constant sorrow of losing his only son was so powerful, it could've killed him.

Pictures of the missing dangled from lampposts and the funerals never seemed to end.

"It's like having a hole in your heart and you can't fix it," Gill says. "Anniversaries ... birthdays ... he's not there and it's strange. He gave his life to something, he did what he was supposed to do, but he didn't have to die that way. It shouldn't have happened."

Paul Gill, 34, worked for the New York City Fire Department Engine 54 Ladder 4 Battalion 9. After the planes smashed into the World Trade Center, he was on the scene, rescuing people from the Marriott Vista Hotel, which was between the two towers. That's the last time anyone saw Paul.

The husband and father of two had a passion for helping people, so much so that his dad thought he'd be a doctor.

Paul had a knack for carpentry and also enjoyed painting with watercolors and writing poetry. His chest and his arms were covered in Celtic tattoos that his dad frowned on, but Paul would kindly say, "It's my body." And his dad would leave him alone.

These memories seem less painful in Jupiter, where Gill and his wife, Georgette, Paul's stepmother, moved in 2003.

Here, they have the sunshine to cheer them when their spirits are gloomy.

They're in a new neighborhood with new friends. The Gills believe Paul's spirit led them to Jupiter First Church, where they've found comfort.

Paul's body was never found and neither were any remains, so there is no grave site. But the Gills have their own memorial in their home.

Paul's spirit shines through in picture frames covering tabletops and in an oil painting hanging in the hall. They say Paul is with them in Florida, protecting them like the hero that he is.

"He still looks over us," Georgette Gill says, "no matter where he is."

~ dianna_smith@pbpost.com